even the darkness is not dark to You

Most days, I conduct my business under the illusion of control. I make decisions about what to make for dinner and where to send my kids to school and how to juggle my time. For the most part, the days pass in a predictable pattern and there is an underlying sense that I have things under control.

On Monday, my family and I had a nice dinner together. The eighth day. My day of rest. We left the restaurant and loaded up the kids into our car. The Man was teasing me about buying coats for looks rather than warmth. I was teasing him for having 12 fleece pullovers. We laughed as we entered the busy intersection.

And then, another car ran a red light and our safe, warm, family car spun out of control.

Out of control. The illusion was shattered.

A scream escaped without my permission.

Our kids began to cry.

I stared into the distance, confused as to why the view through the windshield was of the restaurant we had just left rather than the opposite side of the street as it should have been. Things were not as they should be.

I heard the familiar sound of my own voice speaking with a calm that didn't reach my heart as I unsuccessfully attempted to convince our girls everything was okay.

Later, we watched as our car was towed away, and I considered the vulnerability of humanity. How, one moment you are laughing with the love of your life - lighthearted, safe, normal. And in the midst of those happy sounds, your life is interrupted with an event that is totally beyond your control.

I am without a car today. I can't tell you how little I care about that. But I was awake until 3am, stricken with worry. About what could have been. It was as though my room was filled up with fear and I was taking it in with deep breaths, allowing the dark gray of uncertainty to swirl within me and settle deep inside. The what if was haunting, pulling against my attempts to trust. What if the other car had been going even faster? What if it had been bigger? What if one of my kids...? What if my husband...?

In the midst of the fear, I sensed the Lord reminding me to rest. I prayed for the anxiety to pass. It didn't. Not for a long time, anyway. So I waited. He waited with me.

He never promises that our families will be safe. Not in the way we think. He does promise His presence, though. And if you don't know Him, you may think that is a bad trade-off. There are times when that is how it feels. I want my children. I want my husband. Today, I have them all. But control? The idea that I actually have a hand in the way things will go? The veil has been lifted on that illusion.

I am learning more about what it means to have the presence of the Creator of the Universe with me wherever I go. It is important to know I'm not alone. Especially in those moments when my life and the lives of those I love are revealed to be vulnerable. My only option is to trust in the One who holds all things together, even when they fall apart.