love at first sip

It was December of 2002. We met in a Starbucks in NYC, the city that never sleeps. (Perhaps because of you...?) I didn't expect you would have such an affect on me. But now, I find myself looking for you after every Halloween...anticipating your return.

You are chocolate. You are coffee. You are peppermint. You are a cup of Christmas; a walk through an evergreen forest; a rich, minty reminder that life is good. In the midst of a hectic shopping experience, one sip of you and...clarity. Other drinks aspire to be like you because you are perfect.

You are also nearly half of my recommended daily caloric intake.

This has been an unfortunate discovery.

as requested

Here is the new cut. This photo was taken today by our awesome friend Alisa. Just so you know, the long part in the front was originally a lot longer. I made her cut more off. The back is pretty short. I know I don't look too bothered here...that is because the man is standing in front of me just out of the shot. And he makes me happy.

a bit of a rant

Dear Girl Who Cut My Hair For The First Time Today,

I gave you the benefit of the doubt when you sprayed me in the face with the hair wash thing...it happens, I suppose. And the mermaid that was tattood on your arm didn't even phase me. But when I specifically said that I part my hair on the left, I did not secretly mean I part it on the right. And when I told you I don't like long layers in the front, I did not secretly mean I really wanted long layers in the front.

And, while I'm at it, my husband is a youth pastor. It is his full time job. He doesn't just do it on Sundays. It is not a hobby. It is not a leisure past-time. He does not work at a high school as a teacher during the week. He gets paid to be a youth pastor. Full time. Yes, it is his only job.

Maybe you were having a bad day. I understand that. Maybe you just broke up with your boyfriend or your cat ran away or your mom has cancer or you had a sprained ankle or I look like the girl you hated in high school. I know any one of those things could be true. My heart understands that. But my hair does not. That is why I won't be seeing you again.

Emily
_____________________________________________________________

Dear Girl Who Has Cut My Hair For The Past Five Years (aka Kelly),

I miss you. I am sorry I couldn't be patient and wait til you had an opening in December. I will wait next time. You are worth it. You are wonderful and worth it and I love you.

Emily

'cause you got personality

I recently took a test to see what my personality is. That's right, I just don't know...I can't decide. I need a test to tell me. One of the questions was if I am sometimes accused of being too indecisive or too rigid. And I vacillated...hmmm, I don't know. I guess it depends on the situation. Well, then again....Then I grew a brain and clicked yes, I am sometimes accused of being too indecisive.

Another question asked if I feel comfortable leaving my options open or after having made a decision. Um, are you kidding me? You mean there are people who would actually rather leave their options open than make a decision? Because I know I took a long time to decide whether or not I was indecisive, but I sure felt better after having made the decision. A lot better. Maybe that's why I worry so much about making decisions sometimes...because it HAS to be made or I can't rest.

Perhaps the most difficult question: I am mainly interested in human relationships or in things other than human relationships. I automatically clicked human relationships. And my test results reflect that. Lately, though, I have been wondering...which am I: people-oriented or task-oriented? In my head I'm people-oriented. But in my reality, I tend to focus on the tasks of the day rather than the (little) people by whom I am (constantly) surrounded. I don't know if its a coping mechanism or a personality trait, but sometimes I would rather windex the bathroom mirror than sit and chat with my 3 year olds. Then again, maybe it would say more about me if I actually windexed the entire mirror. But when I start to windex, I see the toilet needs to be cleaned, and the floor, and...then none of it is done completely, but all of it has been started. I think genuinely task-oriented people are organized and methodical and never leave a job undone. And that is not me.

I suppose I'm neither task-oriented nor people-oriented. I'm just dis-oriented. And I guess that is ok with me (I think...) Enough about me...what about you?

a moment

I love to watch her loosen up...even better when I have a camera handy.

wake me up before you go-go

I apologize in advance for the song that is now inevitably running through your head from the title quote. At first you might be thinking "oh yea! what a great song..." Trust me when I say by the time you finish this post, you will already be sick of it...especially when you realize those are the only words you remember.

So it is 4 am. I don't like being awake at this hour. But one of my children comes into our bedroom nearly every night these days and this time, I can't get back to sleep. She likes to snuggle. I guess I don't give her enough attention during the day or something so in order to get her needs met, she comes in the night. And it is getting very old. Although I think she may be nighttime potty training herself, which could be a perk of these disruptions.

She has been potty trained during the day for quite a while but she still wears pull-ups at night. Tonight during her usual nighttime sojourn, she told me she needed to go. So she got up from the bed and headed to the bathroom. I noticed her pull-up was dry which meant she hadn't gone until now (I know, obvious right? Give me a break, it's 4 am).

Her twin has not come quite so far and, for those of you who know me well, you know that the almost 4 year old who still refuses to number 2 in the potty has taken me to places I'd rather not go. I am open to any suggestions. But please don't be offended if I roll my eyes and say "HAHAHA" really loud and sarcastic like because we've. already. tried. that. As well as every possible version of that. But I will make an attempt to be gracious toward you for your considerations.

I hope it has worn off for you and that you have forgotten the tune by now. If you are like me, however, it may help to check this out simply to have words to go along with this terribly annoying melody. And if you were not yet born in 1984 or at least not old enough to know this song, please enjoy the peace and quiet that is in your head.

home

When my grandmother died, I remember my dad kept her old, worn out sneakers. Even as a young girl, I never questioned why he would do that. Looking at those shoes, even I saw her. They represented something to him, something more than what they were. I saw it, too. I suppose I come by it honestly...this habit of attaching sentimental importance to objects with no intrinsic value.

In my recent visits to my parents house, I have found myself looking around nostalgically, discovering with new eyes those things that capture memories for me...ordinary objects holding extraordinary worth.

It's the silver pot with black handles and copper bottom that she cooks the potatoes in. It is the upright piano they surprised me with in the 4th grade because my teacher told them that my octave and a half keyboard (that I could easily tuck under my arm) was too small.
It is my dad's brown office crammed full with inspired ideas and good intentions...with the rows of presidential biographies and stacks of un-hung picture frames lining the walls. It's the way her towels smell straight from the dryer. It's the white pillow cases with pink flowers. It's the VCR that is 20 years old and, while it still works, is always flashing a digital, green 12:00 because Mom isn't quite sure how to set it. And the smell of Pine-sol, Comet and lemon fresh Dawn will forever remind me of her and home and, for reasons I can't explain, peace.

And so I wonder what will it be for my children? What memories are they even now attaching to the stuff of our house and the cleaning products I choose to use?

There is a tree that stands tall in our front yard. In the summer, it nearly hides the house from the street and I have threatened more than once to have it removed. But it is a beautiful tree, especially this time of year. Here is a glimpse of it's yellowing leaves as seen through their bedroom window.Will this tree be a memory for them? Maybe. It would be great if it were the apron I wore while making cookies every afternoon or the Bible on my bedside table. I'm sure not...certainly it will be something more like the piles of laundry they had to step over every time they came into my bedroom. Regardless of what will come to represent home to them, the most important thing to me is that they know that they have a place where they belong.

Even if the thing that reminds them of that is a pair of my old, worn out sneakers.

mind over clutter

I just filled an entire empty yard sale bin with trash. From my car. And I don't mean the kind of trash you can sell. I'm talking wrappers, napkins (both used and unused), junk mail, graham crackers, two fast food cups half full with water and a perfectly good swim diaper...but, well...it's November. And that is just the stuff I threw away. No need to go into detail about all the toys, DVDs and 47 pink and purple sweaters I brought back into the house.

There is unfortunately a direct correlation between the state of my car and the state of my mind. So it felt good to finally purge my car of clutter. My mind is another matter. I tried to open my mailbox with my key remote yesterday. And I was confused when it didn't work. I explained to the girls in my Bible study this morning why I left my coat in my car but how I wished I didn't and was going on and on until one amused member pointed out that my coat was hanging on the back of my chair. And so it was.

My family and I are wanting to be intentional this holiday season about keeping things simple, joyful, peaceful, fun. But I have been stressing already. Why? I want to make sure things are simple, joyful, peaceful...you get it. So my mind is filled with plans and recipes and what to pack when we go to my parents for Thanksgiving and whether we should just get a fake tree and how to get my almost-four-year-old to relax and poop on the potty already and how much more laundry could there possibly be? A great example of how one anxious thought can become a really bad day. No wonder my mind is cluttered.

But in the midst of it all, there is One who is reminding me that HE IS and I am not. That His yoke is easy and His burden is light. What a relief. So come, let us adore Him.

another november birthday

Growing up shopping with my sister, if I would see a shirt or a pair of shoes I thought I liked, I would test it out by holding it up for her to see in order to get her reaction. If it was favorable, I liked it. If it was not, I suddenly saw the merchandise from a new perspective...namely, hers. And being nearly 4 years her junior, hers seemed to be the only one that mattered. If I am completely honest, it still is to a certain degree.

If you ask her about it, she will undoubtedly roll her eyes and disclaim her good taste as simply having distinct opinions about her...opinions. Maybe that is actually the thing I admire: she knows what she likes and what she dislikes. No apologies. No explanation required. I think that says something about her personality, and probably mine as well.

Her birthday was last week. She is the most fun person to shop for. My goal is always to choose something that won't end up in her yard sale pile (she's an addict too...where do you think I got it?) This year, I decided to forgo housewares and fashion and went with books instead: a Southern Living recipe book and Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility. You can't go wrong with food and culture, right?

And by the way...it is 5:15 am. My son is interpreting nighttime as time-to-get-up-and-play time. He's asleep now. I, however, am not.

my addiction (part 3)

I know you've been waiting with baited breath. I know you wish you had been able to come. I know you've been wondering if I am one of those people who exaggerates and blows things out of proportion just to be funny. Let me assure you, I am not.
This was the book section. See the plastic bin on the bottom right? There were 5 of those which were also filled with books. There were 4 boxes filled with sermon tapes by various speakers. There was a section just for lamps. There was a small but respectable area for things that have red in them. See...
I'll spare you the rest of the yard sale photos. Suffice it to say, there was a little something for everyone. And I am proud to announce a breakthrough. It could have been due to my lack of time but I choose to believe I have changed. Because I only took one bin...ONE BIN, people.

And I felt free. I know it sounds stupid and that maybe I'm making it up to make a good point...but truth is, I really did enjoy the day more with less of my stuff there. It was kind of nice to be able to say I don't know how much that is...ask the lady in the jean jacket.

And then I sat back in my seat and drank my hot and delicious coffee....guess I've got another addiction to work on.

my addiction (part 2)

Something is seriously wrong with me.

Context: John's mom has been bitten by the de-clutter bug and, against her better judgment (as well as that of my father-in-law) has decided to have a yard sale. And when Sherry has a yard sale, she really rolls out the red carpet (albeit stained and slightly faded). There are lamps. There are desks. There are more place mats than any human would need in lifetime. And the books....oh, the many books she has to sell! And though he is ever the voice of reason and frowns upon having "strangers in the driveway, looking through windows and rummaging through stuff", my father-in-law always comes through in the end and makes awesome signs...guiding the masses, leading them to the junk mecca of the Triad.

But she couldn't do it alone. She needed help to place, to price, to collect money, to clean up afterward. And being the loving and willing daughter-in-law, I offered to be at her disposal for the better part of the weekend. So it would seem that I would be able to keep my focus, to show up to help, to be available. But I am more than just a loving and willing daughter-in-law.

I am an addict.

It is not possible for me to show up empty handed at this open air market, this antique road show, this carport store with multiple tables filled with trash and treasures. And so I prepare to load up my car yet again, with bins filled with outgrown clothes and worn out knick knacks...items I could have sold in any one of the previous 3 sales I've recently been a part of, but for whatever reason, haven't declared themselves as useless to me until now.

But it isn't just the $48 I will most likely earn. It is the excitement of waking up while it is still dark, of sipping hot coffee in the brisk November morning, of hanging out with John's mom and sister and watching as people haul away our junk for us while we get paid. Granted, the amount we make will never compensate for the number of hours we put in to this small production. But add to that the thrill of the sell and the satisfaction of knowing my attic is a little less bulging and I think I come out on top.

Even so, this is the last yard sale I will ever have. Absolutely, never, ever again. It's not worth it.

(Sale is this Saturday! Please come! You won't be sorry! It will be so worth it!)

celebrating her

I met her at my sister's wedding. I was the maid of honor and she was the guest book attendant. I was immediately drawn to her and by nights end, we had agreed to be roommates. She was a year older than me so, by age alone she was automatically cool. She already had a year of college behind her which somehow gave me confidence by association going into my freshman year.

She was fun and funny, playful and vivacious, blond and gorgeous. She was dramatic, jealous, passionate and, by the standards of our small Bible college in South Carolina, she could be downright scandalous.

It was little things that bonded us at first: we wore the same size shoes and could share clothes and both had an unnatural love for our favorite musicals, often acting them out for one another in our small, girly decorated dorm room...entertainment we resorted to as we had no car between us, nothing within walking distance of campus and we weren't allowed to have TVs. But we shared a lot more than just a room during those years in college. We shared dreams and drama, heartache and heart breaks as well as a love for the Lord.

As the years have passed, we have graduated and grown up. I have watched as she remained fiercely loyal to those she loved, even if she had been hurt by them. She has taught me to play more, laugh harder and not take myself so seriously. She is beautifully human.

These days we only get to see each other about once a year. Two years ago we went to New York and ate pizza in Brooklyn and saw Wicked on Broadway. Last year she came here for a weekend (with me and my 3 kids...not exactly a walk down 5th Avenue, but still). We keep in touch fairly regularly and always pick up where we left off no matter how long its been. She continues to always always have better stories than anyone I know. For example, strange woman asks her "Will you take a picture of my mom and I for me?" Sure. No big deal...unless strange woman is Queen Latifah. Or accidentally walking in on another woman in an unlocked bathroom stall...again, no big deal. Unless, of course that other woman is Cindy Crawford (or was it Brooke Shields?). True stories...they're always true stories.

She is one of my favorite people and today is her birthday. We've been together on her birthday for the last few years...but not this one. She is on her end of the country and I am on mine. She celebrates with friends I may one day meet but will never know. It is right that she has people there, I have people here, and that our lives have continued. But I miss her. And I am sad that she is no longer a part of my everyday. But I am thankful for her influence, her heart, and her hilarious take on life.

Happy birthday, friend.

something about the bride

We just returned from an out of town wedding where the man was the best man. We know the groom pretty well, but we've only met the bride once. Regardless of who you know best, when you're at a wedding, you don't take photos of the groom, really...not unless he's standing next to the bride. She is somewhat of a shy girl and I get the feeling she isn't crazy about being in the spotlight. But I couldn't resist taking photos whenever she was in my line of sight. I just love bride photos and today was no exception.

She had taken a moment to rest her legs after the ceremony.

I also like photos that tell a story.

It's kind of blurry, but it says always a bridesmaid...doesn't it?

the princesses and the pea

on halloween

Most of my Halloweens have been spent in dark back rooms with shades pulled, vaguely lit by the blue glow of the TV. We didn't trick-or-treat and we didn't hand out candy. We didn't celebrate Halloween. We hid, basically.

There was one year, however, when we were allowed to dress up. I don't know why. Kids don't question these things. I was a barbie. I had a mask with holes for eyes, nose and a tiny tease of a slit at the mouth, just big enough to stick your tongue through but not big enough to get it back out again. I remember having to choose between seeing or breathing because the one-size-fits-no-one mask was too big. I think it also came with a plastic apron "dress". My sister tells me we fought over my mask that day, I think because the painted plastic hair was better somehow. I'm not sure why I won that fight. I probably cried. But I'm sure she will comment to this.

Last night I went to Target to get candy to give to the trick-or-treaters in our neighborhood. Warning: there are indeed brightly colored Christmas ornaments displayed next to the ceramic pumpkins in the seasonal section. Just so you know. I happened to remember just before I left that the baby needs a toothbrush for his 6 teeth. So I bought 4 bags of candy and 2 toothbrushes. I thought it was funny and mentioned it to the cashier. She didn't laugh. I also shopped for some earrings to wear to a wedding this weekend. I found the perfect ones and almost bought them...until I realized they were cuff links. Oh, well.

So yeah...we won't be hiding out in the back room tonight. Its a good thing, since we don't really have a back room. I think giving out candy will be a great way to continue to connect with some of our neighbors. And you know what Halloween means? It means tomorrow is November and I can officially listen to Christmas music.

I know, I'm worse than Target.

our trip to the mountains

I am not a traveling person these days. I think I was at one time. On personality tests I always end up sounding a lot more spontaneous about things like than I really am. I think I just remember how I was at 19 and answer the questions accordingly. Back then, the idea of jumping in the car or on a plane and going somewhere fun was exhilarating. Not that I really ever did that. But I liked the idea of it. These days, the idea of it just gives me a headache. I think it is the having-three-kids thing.

With this in mind, we took a day trip to the mountains over the weekend. In a day. With three kids. There and back. In a day. To the mountains. Did I mention the three kids? Little ones?

For a lot of people like us who only live a few hours drive from the mountains, the trip is really no big deal. Even with kids. But for me, non-spontaneous-trip girl....it was kind of a deal. It wasn't even technically spontaneous. We have talked about doing it for a while, but didn't plan to do it for sure until a few days ahead. A few days. In my book, that qualifies as spontaneous.

I have to say, I am so glad we went. There were loose plans involving lunch at a place where The Man knows the owner, driving along the parkway, seeing the pretty leaves, playing at the park in Blowing Rock, getting ice cream and driving home. Turns out we got hungry on the way up so we ate at KFC instead. Not exactly quaint. But for the most part, our day was a delight. Beautiful weather, content kids (most of the time), really hot husband.

I enjoyed admiring him from across the park as he followed the baby around and I hung with the girls. I remember driving to the mountains with him the first month we started dating. With just the two of us, it hardly qualified as a trip...I remember wishing the drive was longer so I could just be with him.

Not so on this trip. Not that I didn't enjoy being with him, but I certainly wasn't wishing for the drive to be longer. A lot of change 8 years brings. The company may be different, but the scenery was the same. What a gift to be able to share with our kids their first autumn in the mountains.

you got all that from a bumper sticker?

Ever feel like your attempts at something new are threatened by the fact that so many other people are not only already doing it, but they are doing it better? I was behind a car today with a bumper sticker that read "I run 26.2 miles." Putting aside my initial confusion (Run? You run 26.2 miles? Like, as in right now? Present tense? Really?), my thoughts after reading this were as follows:

Wow. 26.2 miles. I wonder how far that is? If I started running right now, where would I stop and it be 26.2 miles? I could run a marathon. If I trained. How would you train for that? Where would I begin? How long would it take? Think of all the people who have already run marathons and who are (according to the bumper sticker) in the process of running marathons and how far behind am I already in being able to run a marathon so what's the point?

And then the light turned green and I forgot about it.

I have no desire to run a marathon, let me assure you. But it has made me think. How many things in the world have not been done because people are afraid to start? What are we afraid of? That we won't win the marathon? That we won't be the best dancer ever? Write the best book ever? Be the best cook ever?

Or worse...maybe I'll look stupid.

Or worse worse...maybe it isn't that so many other people are doing it better, maybe it's that no other people are doing it at all. And the idea of being the first is just too...much.

It's easy for me to get stuck there...to forget that success does not necessarily lie in the outcome of the attempt. And I won't even say it is found in the mere fact that I attempted it...because maybe my reasons for doing so were wrong in the first place. But the Lord, He has plans for me. Plans to prosper, to give hope and a future. Will I allow my fear of attempting something to hinder or delay those plans?

Here's a newsflash worthy of remembering: I don't have to be the best. And it's ok to be the first. Because life isn't about how I compare with you or them or myself, for that matter. And when its not about me, the fear seems to lose its power and life becomes a lot more fun.

to have her peach and eat it, too

She was in a really bad mood. And in the midst of it, she realized she wanted a peach. Just a peach. She would have much preferred to be capable of cutting it and serving it for herself. But she is 3, so she could not. All she had to do was say "Mommy, may I please have a peach?" That's it. Seven words.

But she would not.

She tried every other possible tactic. "Mommy, gimme some peach! I want it right now! I want a peach! I WILL have a peach. Give! It! To! Me!"

But I would not.

I repeated to her the requirement for receiving in this situation: "All you have to do is ask 'Mommy, may I please have a peach?' " In other words, you must ask. You may not demand it. This won't happen on your terms. After all, if she could get it on her own, all she gets is a peach. Ultimately, I want more for her.

Why does the Lord want me to ask Him for things? He already knows what I need, why can't He simply give it? There are, in fact, so many things He generously gives without my asking, things I wouldn't even think for which to ask. But I take and enjoy them anyway, many times not realizing they came from His hand. So I get the "thing", but often times I miss the blessing. Sometimes I think He wants me to ask so that when I receive, there is no doubt about who gave it. It is a lesson in dependence...a reminder that there is Another upon which I am called to rest. He is the Giver.

I wanted to give her the peach.

But not just that...I wanted her to recognize that I wanted to give her the peach. But I also wanted her to have the blessing of asking, then receiving. And I wanted her to understand, ultimately, that all I have is hers...and she is loved.

After many tears, much screaming and a bit of encouragement, she conceded. Though muffled and soft, her request was spoken and granted. She got the peach...but I think the a hug and the high five meant a lot more.

Because afterwards, though she tried to hide it, she was smiling.

long days, short years

I spoke with a mother of teenagers on the phone tonight. It was nearly 6pm and she apologized for interrupting our dinner. I assured her our dinner had ended long ago and we were on our way to bath time. She seemed to pause on the phone, and then sigh with a mix of memory and longing. "I wish we had a reason to eat early at our house. I miss those days." And I knew what she meant.

Though her children still live at home, they can drive now and they have grown. They eat with their friends, at odd hours, on the run, or not at all. They have places to be, things to do, day timers of their own. They have deadlines to keep, relationships to pursue, tests to ace, things to prove. They are eager for life to begin. And their mother...well, she is watching and waiting and available. And she is preparing for the day when her babies leave the house and are on their own for real.

I don't always enjoy the life stage that I am in. But tonight, I can't get enough of it. I am breathing in his downy scent in a desperate attempt to hold on. I am watching the girls play make-believe with barbie dolls and baby bears. Their faces so soft, doughy, flawless. I am praying for their spouses, for the mothers of their spouses..women who are just like me somewhere in the world, taking care of these little ones during days that seem to go on forever.

But you know, they won't. So tonight, after a full day of play and poop, I am thankful.

geriatrics, here i come

I'm getting old.

Let me put this into context. I spent almost 3 hours at the coliseum last night with a group of girls who are slightly (ok, a lot) younger than me. All still single, except one. There were strobe lights. There was really loud music. There was lots of dancing. Yes, I paid real money for a ticket to see So You Think You Can Dance on tour.

And it was awesome.

But I'm getting old. My initial clue to this inevitable fact surfaced during the opening number when my first thought was they could turn the music down a little. Followed by those flashing strobes are blinding and slightly panic inducing. Then, of course, I perused the room for the closest exit, just in case. Finally, I began to wonder what time I'd be able to get to bed. Not to mention the exaggerated yet involuntary flinching my body experienced every time one of the dancers danced too close to the edge of the stage. Then this morning, when I woke up, I noticed that my lower back was tight and sore. Those darn uncomfortable coliseum seats...

And that's when it hit me. Weaved in between my enjoyment of the paso dobles, pirouettes and krumping were the thoughts of an old woman. They came naturally, without effort. Wasn't there a time when I could stay out really late and listen to really loud music and watch strobe lights without needing medication?

It was tons of fun, don't get me wrong. I'll just have to stick to 3 year old dance recitals if I want to feel as though I'm in my element.