March up to the gate and bid it open.

My favorite movie as a girl was The Wizard of Oz. One of the networks always aired it on a Friday night in the fall. So every Saturday towards the end of the summer, I would find the TV guide section of the newspaper and check the listings for Friday night. We had no VCR, no blockbuster, no netflix. If I missed it, that was it for a whole year. Missing it was not an option.

I remember the night before the movie came on, my knees would ache and I couldn't sleep for all the excitement. I loved the music, especially the quick, high-pitched chorus that played when they first glimpsed the Emerald City right after the snow wakes them up in the poppy field....You're out of the woods, You're out of the dark, You're out of the night! Step into the sun, step into the light!

I idolized Dorothy...her dark, swiss cake roll ponytails that changed lengths drastically from scene to scene; she was patient, loving and kind; her voice, her dress, her dog. She was beautiful and perfect.

I've thought about this movie a lot as I have grown up. The Scarecrow wanted a brain, the Tin Man, a heart. The Lion longed for courage and all Dorothy wanted was to find a way home. They followed yellow brick roads, ran from flying monkeys and even risked their lives to get the broomstick of the Wicked Witch just like the Wizard asked them to...who really was no Wizard at all. They did it all because they longed for something they did not have. In the end, though, we learn along with them that they had it all along, they just didn't know it.

After all, the Scarecrow was often the one to devise all the plans, the Tin Man rusted from crying real, heartfelt tears and the Lion found the courage to save Dorothy all before they even met the Wizard. Dorothy was the most obvious of all. She couldn't take a step without being aware of those shiny, ruby slippers. Still, when she finally sees Glenda, she cries out for help and is told she's always had the power to go back to Kansas. The slippers she had had all along were the very means by which she would make her way home.

But she didn't know it.

I can relate. As a believer, sometimes I find myself living a defeated, burden-filled life, unaware of the victory I already have in Christ.

His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to LIFE and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness.
1 Peter 1:3

a story bigger than mine

Another memory.

I am in 9th grade English class and we are reading The Glass Menagerie. I’ve just been assigned to read the part of Laura Wingfield. I always hated reading plays out loud in the cold, fluorescent classroom. It was all so…unnatural. I always ended up reading the descriptive stuff in the brackets on accident. I don’t know which I hated more: when there were too many characters and everyone had to double up on parts (you get to be the bagboy, girl with the basket and man #2) or when there weren’t enough characters to go around and you didn’t get a part at all and just had to listen to the monotone.

I much preferred reading plays alone, in my own head, so I not only could imagine the scenes playing out like a movie but I got to be every character. You know how it is in the classroom: you are assigned the part of Laura Wingfield so instead of listening to the story and following along as the action plays out, you find yourself skipping ahead, marking all of Laura’s lines, sure that you can clearly pronounce all the words in the script so as not to make a fool of yourself…until you become aware of the long pause that has settled in on the classroom and someone mercifully whispers “Hey, aren’t you Laura? Go!” And you’ve kind of missed it, the very thing you’ve been preparing for, however small.

Sometimes I feel that way in life. I can get so focused on my part, my role, my purpose, my story, that I miss the bigger story. The bigger story that isn’t just the bigger story, but it is THE ONLY STORY. Because “It isn't a flood, it's not a tornado, Mother. I'm just not popular like you were in Blue Mountain” makes no sense if you say it out of the context of the whole play. Yeah, I had a moment with the attention on me…but so what? That isn’t a story, it's only a part...a fragmant of a story. To me, my story only makes sense in the context of a story that is bigger than mine.

God has a story He is writing and He has saved a part just for me! There are days when I falsely believe I would rather BE the story than just play a part, but I think there is relief in realizing that we get to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. And as I trust Him to live in and through me, there is no concern as to whether I will be able to pronounce all the words.

learning from a memory

I'm 16. Just got my braces off. Its the summer of 1993.

I'm driving in my parents' black, Chevy Spectrum (the extra car)...complete with no a/c (or heat). I swear that car was made of plastic. Cheap, thin plastic...like a Barbie car without the stickers. But one thing it definitely did have was a working tape player. And when you're 16 with straight teeth, that's all you need.

I remember driving with my window (manually) rolled (halfway) down (if you rolled it all the way, the door would fly open) along the winding, two lane back roads in Columbia, South Carolina. I can still hear the bagpipe and the strange, haunting, off-beat sound of Peter Gabriel's Come Talk To Me mixing with the wind that pushed its way heavy past me, through my window and out the other side.

That memory came to my mind today as I drove my kids to chic-fil-a in my Honda Pilot. I rolled my window down for a breeze before the a/c kicked in and one of my girls called out to me, "Mommy, turn the music on..." How does she know that a window down on a summer day means music? I guess I've taught her that, without trying, of course.

It makes me wonder what else I'm teaching them without trying...

one of a thousand lives

Lately I have realized that the time had come to sort through and get rid of some of the girls clothes from when they were born. I have gotten rid of a lot already, but the stuff from their first year has been sitting in plastic storage boxes in the attic. Knowing I couldn't part with all of it, I told myself to just keep those things that held meaning or special memories. I was surprised to discover which items that turned out to be.

Having twin girls will bring outfits out of the woodwork. I was given more matching dresses, jackets, and cute-never-worn hats than I know what to do with. All so small, so detailed, so matching. But it wasn't the baby Gap outfits that are hard to let go of. It was only when I opened the box labled "6-12 months pjs and onesies" that my eyes welled up and I had to pause and remember. What is it about those worn out, pink, kitty cat jammies with a stain on the sleeve that so swiftly bring tears?

It was like those jammies hold something within them. The babies are growing up, but the jammies are still there, small and faded, as if worn only last night. The jammies represent so much...clean, wet hair after a bath; snuggle time with milk and mommy; sweet dream wishes and baby blankets.

I don't know what it is about the jammies. But I have to keep them, at least for now. Nobody else would want them anyway. But I look at them, folded away in a plastic bin, and realize we live a thousand lives in one lifetime...and one of those lives has already passed me by. While I lived it, I could hardly wait for it to pass; the sleepless nights, the feedings, the culture shock of firstime motherhood...the first year of having twins. Now that it's over, I can never get it back.

But I can keep the jammies.

i'd rather be sleeping.

So awake. So very awake. Looking around my dark room, bored. Never be bored at 11:35 pm. Be ASLEEP.

I think it's the Rocky Road ice cream that I ate at 9pm that is causing me trouble. My sister thinks it's wrong to have chunks of nuts in ice cream. It's like, an interruption. Tell me about it.

I'm not normally awake now. At least not now that we have passed the newborn stage with our baby and entered into the big baby stage (what do you call the "bigger than a newborn, not yet a toddler" person?)

I looked at the clock at 11:22 and decided that if at 11:32 I was still awake, I would get up and do something. The following is a loose outline of my thoughts during that time.:

I like The Man's new office. He needs to take a coffeemaker there. To make his own coffee. If I had a job and an office, I would be sure to take a coffeemaker into the office with me to make my own coffee in the mornings. What a great idea that is! But can you do that? It seems like maybe you can't, like its a fire hazard. What? You're so stupid, if you can have a coffeemaker in the breakroom, then you can have one in your own office. I worked in an office once. Nobody brought their own coffeemaker. Why not? I would! But wait, I didn't. But I would now. And leave creamer in the fridge. Maybe I would just make coffee in the breakroom. A full pot? Everyone could just drink it. A half pot? What if I had to pee and came back and it was gone? I could just make a lot every morning and wait until it brews and take the first cup, who cares if others drink it? But then, I would become the coffeemaker. Not the coffeemaker. The Coffee Maker. The one who makes the coffee. How do you spell "coffeemaker"? Maybe I should call it a "coffeepot". What time is it?

Only 11:29. I'm getting up anyway.

i'm not a baby, i'm a big girl...night, night

I've been worried about it for over a year now. I've read segments in several books on ideas about how to do it. I've had endless conversations with my mommy friends about their experiences. I've talked with professionals.

I've even prayed about it.

And then last night, just before I was ready to tuck her in and say goodnight she very clearly and precisely said "Mommy, I don't want to use my paci anymore. It has hair on it."

Seeing as how we've had false starts in the past, my response was not the gushing of "What a big girl you are!!" followed by an immediate trip to the trashcan that you might expect. Besides, where was the screaming and gnashing of teeth that I've heard tell about? Where were the tricks? The "lets tie paci to a balloon string for the babies in the sky"? The paci fairy? The sleepless nights? The bribes and promises of rewards to come?

Instead, I looked at her with raised eyebrows and said, "Well, are you sure?" And she responded that yes, she was sure...and she took her lovey that I handed to her and happily sent me away, paci in hand, dumbfounded.

That was last night. And today, with a little bit of prodding and a lot of cuddling, her sister decided to do the same thing. Tearful yet determined. I can relate.

Because I am finding myself to be strangely tearful over the decision my girls have made. As freeing as it is for me, I just wonder how can these little girls be old enough to make a decision like this? To me, it's just a paci. But to them, its a friend. A comfort. A companion in the night. Where is the motivation to give that up (besides the polly pocket cars I got them at Target)?

And just like that, this day that marks 6 years of marriage between John and I and the anniversary of my Grandpa's death has also become the day that our twin girls grow up a little bit more...and teach their mommy a thing or two about letting go.

Jesus, desitin and a callaway hat

Trusting Jesus to live in and through me can’t be simply a declaration of what I believe to be true…it has to have hands and feet. Sometimes my faith has to risk getting dirty and being...ordinary. That simply happens in the everyday, living life things.

Today, Jesus wears nikes and a callaway golf hat in Gulfport, MS.

Or a white t-shirt and a pony-tail in Charlotte, NC…and “Christ IN you, the hope of glory” becomes a reality and not just a verse. Because where is Jesus’ influence on earth if not through us? How else do we “life out” the life of Christ if not through our everyday, mundane tasks? But even those things take strength and energy, sometimes more than the big things. I am thankful that He doesn't just give me strength, He IS my strength.

So, The Man helps lead a group of 100+ new friends in Hurricane Katrina relief work in Gulfport and gladly enters into potentially awkward conversations with students he just met.

And I pack up clothes to finish out the last leg of our vacation, put desitin on a diaper rash that just won't go away and plan meals for when he comes home next week.

Not because I am capable, not because he is confident, but because we are His.

if you hate feet, don't read this

I'm learning to accept my feet. All my life, I've not been a big fan...feet. Yuck. But one cold morning in January, I had two babies 7 weeks early. And one of them, though she was only 4 pounds, came out with thin, long feet..a tiny replica of her mother's.

I remember 2 days after delivery, the swelling had finally gone down in my feet and ankles and I swung my legs over the side of the hospital bed and slipped my feet into my pink, fuzzy slippers. It was the first time I had seen them look almost normal in several months. And I was so pleased as they immediately made me think of my tiny daughter sleeping in the NICU on the 2nd floor of the hospital. She was so slight and dainty, and I had only known her for a few days...it was hard to imagine that something about her was already so...familiar.

I began to take ownership of my feet (did I really just say that sentence?) And then last week on a family vacation, I saw my aunt who I haven't seen in several years and she joyfully pointed to the ground below me and said, "Those are my feet! At least, 15 years ago those were my feet! My young feet..." And I was pleased. She also mentioned that her mother, my grandmother, wore size 7...just like me. Pleased again.

So my feet are skinny and my big toe is slightly too long. But they are my inheritance and I am passing them on.

made to worship

Praise the Lord, O my soul. O Lord my God, you are very great;
you are clothed with splendor and majesty.
He wraps himself in light as with a garment;
he stretches out the heavens like a tent and lays the beams of his upper chambers on their waters.
He makes the clouds his chariot and rides on the wings of the wind.
He set the earth on its foundations; it can never be moved.
The moon marks off the seasons, and the sun knows when to go down.
May the glory of the Lord endure forever;
May the Lord rejoice in his works.
I will sing to the Lord all my life;
I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.
May my meditation be pleasing to him, as I rejoice in the Lord.
Praise the Lord, O my soul.
Praise the Lord.

from psalm 104

the un-birthday

When the girls turned one, it was a big day. Their birthday fell on a Sunday and we had them dedicated at church that morning complete with family from out of town, a big lunch at our house afterwards, lots of presents and most of all, each girl got her own cake: one was chocolate and the other was vanilla.

Our baby turned one last Friday. His cake was put in the grocery bag upside down. You can imagine the damage. I was sad for a moment, but then later my sister fixed it and I didn't feel quite as guilty. Not that it was exactly my fault that his cake had a hole in it, and not that it was even that big of a deal in and of itself. It simply represented sort of how this birthday was for him. We are out of town, away from home and our normal routine.

He has presents, but they remain unopened as of today. He did have a piece of cake, and got all messy, but he was so tired that he went to bed early that night. I know, he's only one. He won't remember. True. Still, I rue the day he sees the pictures from his sisters' first birthday. Oh well. Happy Birthday, baby.

me and my baby

from oblivious to loser in 2 seconds flat

Why is it that you can be walking along, minding your own business, waiting for your vanilla latte in line at Starbucks, pleasantly unaware of your own shortcomings and insecurities...until you look slightly up and to the left and there is Katie Holmes standing next to you and all of a sudden, you feel like a loser. The "you" in the story is, of course, me. Several years ago (before Tom Cruise but after "Dawson's Creek") I was shoulder to shoulder with Katie Holmes in the starbucks of the Charlotte airport. Actually, it was more like my shoulder to her elbow. I remember wishing I hadn't worn flip flops...they only give me about 1/2 inch on my 5 foot 3 inch height.

Standing next to her, I felt short and very unfamous. I spent the next 35 minutes before my plane boarded half-stalking her to her gate (it was only half-stalking because her gate was right next to mine...otherwise it would have been full-fledged-crazy-darting-behind-trashcans stalking). And I wasn't even that big of a fan. So what is that? There is a weird and irrational standard that we hold ourselves to but often times don't know it until BAM...there it is, right in front of you (or next to you in line at Starbucks) and you feel..."less than".

It isn't always in such memorable circumstances like seeing a Hollywood movie star at the airport. It can hit (and usually does) at odd times and in odd places where it isn't so obvious right away. There are times when I start out in a great mood and by the middle of the day, I am moody and irritable and can't figure out why...until I trace it back to a conversation with him, an interraction with her, a memory brought to the surface by a commerical or a song.

I can't put my finger on exactly what "it" is, but I'm certain it has to do with finding my identity in externals and in things and places other than my Creator. But I think I'll save that part for another post.

and so it begins

We have arrived in Hilton Head and are pleasantly surprised to have internet service at the condo (thank you Marriot next door). It has been good to be with my family away from home for a while. It is going to be a good 2 weeks. Good thing I don't believe in bad luck...as the trip began with one twin throwing up in the car after 6 hours of "Mommy, my tummy hurts" and "we need to stop, I have to poo-poo!" We did (stop). She didn't (poo-poo). Thankfully, we were only 5 minutes from the condo...a blessing. So far it has been a very pleasant time, filled with good nights of sleep, playing in the pool and at the beach and ice cream at the harbour. All the things are in place for a great vacation.

sick of goodbye

So its May now, and there are a lot of good things about May...the flowers, the weather for the most part, and the anticipation of weeks at the beach. But this year, May has symbolized the ending of a lot of things. Most significantly, The Man and I had our last Sunday at the church where we have spent all our married days. And, though we will remain in the same house and the same town, this job change is a big one....because it hasn't been "just a job", but a home. And I will miss them. To add to the sadness, the very church we are heading to is the same one my sister and her family are preparing to leave...as they are moving from here (where they have lived the past 5 years) to Charlotte.

Those are the socially acceptable sad goodbyes. But somehow this week, the day after the season finales of American Idol and Lost, I found myself short tempered and weepy. And I felt the same way after watching The Office finale and after the Gilmore Girls series finale party. (That one brought tears during the show itself.) What does that say about me that the sadness of my sister moving away doesn't hit until my favorite show takes a break for the summer?

just a kid

He'll be 1 in a month. His first year of potentially so many. I had a birthday last month. A fairly significant one, I think. People who, a few weeks before seemed so much older are now suddenly "my age". I like being 30 so far...more than I thought I would. I know technically it isn't really that much different from 29, but somehow, it feels different. I've been telling the girls in the high school small group I lead that once you turn 18, you sort of feel 18 forever. I know I do, on the inside anyway. Sometimes I look at my 3 kids and my house and my husband and I sort of giggle to myself and think "Don't people know? How could they let me bring these babies home from the hospital? I'm just a kid!" But I'm not just a kid. And sometimes that is sad to realize, but mostly lately, I'm thankful for these 30 years that I wear on my face and speak in my words. I feel a bit more real and more secure. One thing I've learned for sure is I sure have a lot to learn.

not even a pony

We pretty much have the pee pee in the potty thing down pat. But now my big dilemma revolves around the fact that the twins absolutely will not poopy in the potty. They know when its coming, they don’t have accidents in their big girl panties, they simply ask for a pull-up when its time to go. As they are visiting mom and dad in Charlotte, mom sweetly tempted one of them: “If you poo poo in the potty, you can have a piece of candy and we’ll go see the ponies!" to which she very deliberately responds “I don’t want candy and I don’t want a pony. I want my pull- up.” What could be better than a pony?! I just don't know what to do next.

the anti-potty training

Mommy accidently mentions the word "potty" and two-year-olds' eyes light up. "I wanna poo-poo in the potty seat!" She disappears around the corner.

Three and half seconds later, twin sister two-year-old delightfully says the exact same thing...and disappears around the corner.

Mommy balances nursing baby brother in one arm while he fights to finish his lunch and tries to help first two-year-old pull off shorts and very wet diaper. All the while, listening to accusing tone of two-year-old. "I do it! I do it mySELF!"

Mommy sighs, sits on bathroom floor, watches as two-year-old tries unsucessfully to do it herself.

Mommy stands up and helps two-year-old finish undressing and mount the potty seat.

Two-year-old smiles, grunts, smiles, grunts, laughs, sings "Twinkle, Twinkle, litte star" (complete with hand motions), proudly announces "I did it!", high fives twin sister (who is still singing), pulls 3 feet of toilet paper off from the wall, wipes (if you can call it that) jumps down from the potty seat and looks inside.

Potty is empty.

Two-year-old smiles again, announces her victory and runs out of bathroom naked from the waist down.

Twin two-year-old looks up at Mommy with big brown eyes. "I wanna poo-poo in the potty seat!"

Mommy looks at twin two-year-old. "Just go in your diaper."

10 little big things to surviving these postpartum days

10 Vanilla hazelnut creamer (sorry Kari) for my coffee in the morning. I am taking full advantage of the one cup of caffeine a day that they allow a nursing mommy.

9 The theme song to the show The Office...less because of the show, more because it means for the next 22-26 minutes, The Man and I are going to be together and laugh at random, stupid comedy.

8 My two year old, still in her crib, sweetly singing Happy Birthday to her baby bear...because that makes up for 10,000 times she will scream "NO!" at the top of her lungs today.

7 My select comfort back sleeper pillow...I think I'm in love. For the stop-and-go pattern of sleep that define these early days with a newborn, at least I know I have this perfect pillow to return to.

6 & 5 Netflix and (ok, I'm just gonna say it) People magazine. Yes, I not only read People, I have a subscription. In my defense, it was a gift from my mother-in-law.

4 The potted flowers on our porch...because I planted them and they are still alive (because The Man took pity on them and gives them water).

3 Target. It is my trip to Hawaii, my grand getaway.

2 The FlyLady...because a made bed, clean laundry and a shiny sink go a long way to helping me feel life is normal and organized on those days when I don't leave the house.

And the number one little big thing that has helped me survive the past 4 weeks:

1 Knowing this may be the last time...waking up in the wee hours of the morning and getting the fussy baby from his bassinet, feeding him until he is once again content and cleaning up the spitup that dripped down my leg when I got up to change his diaper all with only one eye slightly open becomes more bearable when I realize that, with each day that passes, this little baby in my arms grows older. And with 3 under 3, we will probably never have another one. And suddenly the draining cycle of sleep deprivation becomes an opportunity to remember that this crazy life routine we are in right now is temporary and fleeting. And just like that, the mundane becomes holy and sweet.

birth day eve

So much for an uneventful pregnancy. Our little one has decided he would rather lounge in my tummy with his back down than be upside down for the next few weeks. So we have decided to have another c-section and it is scheduled for tomorrow. I have approximately 12 more hours to be pregnant.

It seems like such an important moment in time. I didn't expect to know when I would have this baby, but with the recent turn of events (literally), I have come to accept and embrace this last minute change in my idea of a birth plan and we have enjoyed a big day of anticipation.

So what is one to do the day before she is to have a baby? I cleaned the toilet. And went to target. And gave my 2 year olds a french manicure. And ate shrimp and tiramisu. And I prayed a lot and cried at stupid things. And I have been thankful.

One thing I didn't do is watch the news for fear of seeing this.

so this is june

For the past 8 months I have been waiting for June. With 2 and 1/2 weeks to go til our son is due to arrive in the world, it is both strange and exciting to realize that his birth month is indeed here. We're "sittin' on ready" (as my mother-in-law from Mississippi likes to say) and I am happy to have had an extremely uneventful pregnancy this time around. After giving birth to twin girls a little over 2 years ago, I have come to appreciate no longer being such a novelty.